by Arnold Snyder
Jesus disappeared for a week. Uncle Luke had no idea where he was. “He gets like that,” was all he would say about it. “I’m confident now that Jesus will get his power back and he’ll be on our side. We’re going to get everyone out of Hell and God will no longer have any power over us.”
“But where’d he go, Unc?” I said. “Why doesn’t he call or something?”
“Have faith, Sebastian,” Uncle Luke said. “I’m so sure of Jesus coming through for us now that I’m giving you and Brent permission to talk with the other weredevils about what’s happening. But don’t tell anyone else, not even your parents.”
I told my sister Lola about everything.
“Gucksucker?” she said. “What a gross name for a living creature. Who named it gucksucker?”
“I don’t know, but the name fits.”
“So you’re saying Jesus was laying there like a bloody sludge, and a big animal called a gucksucker enters the room?”
“Pretty much, only it wasn’t so much a room as a chamber in a sort of cave.”
“I know what’s going to happen just from the name ‘gucksucker,’ so spare me the details. What happened after mister sucker had his lunch?”
“He laid down to digest it and he digests really fast. Within a minute or two he started grunting.”
“I already know where this is going. Don’t say anything else. You’re making me sick.”
“You don’t know where it’s going,” I said.
“It’s going to an evacuation … isn’t it?”
“Yes, but that’s not the end of the story. After the evacuation, the male gucksucker took off and a female gucksucker showed up. I forgot to say this is the gucksuckers’ mating ritual. The whole reason the male gucksucker ate and shit Jesus was to attract the female, who can’t resist the smell of fresh fertilizer.”
“Don’t tell me she’s going to shove that shit into her pussy,” Lola said.
“No. Gucksuckers don’t have genitals. She has an egg in her stomach that has to be fertilized—”
“Nuff said, Sebastian. Too much information.”
“So anyway, that’s how they mate. And then Jesus is born.”
“Can I assume it wasn’t by C-section?”
“No, though I don’t really remember it. All I know is what Uncle Luke told me.”
“I thought you were there?”
“Unc erased my memory. Brent’s too. And Brandi’s. He didn’t want us to be traumatized by it, I guess.”
“He can erase memories?”
“That’s what he said. Just recent ones. He can’t erase old memories.”
“That’s weird, Sebastian.”
“He is Lucifer after all. I don’t know what all he can do. But I know he’s trying as hard as he can to do good things for us. Anyway, me and Brent and Brandi grabbed Jesus and got him out of there and we all got out of Hell safe and sound. So, now Jesus is back on Earth.”
“That’s pretty amazing, Sebastian, to save Jesus from Hell. Do you know how many girls are going to want to fuck you now? I even want to fuck you now.”
“But that was the most disgusting episode of my life.”
“I can’t believe how sadistic God is,” she said. “Why would he do that to Jesus? Jesus never hurt anybody. God’s so awful. I can’t wait to meet Jesus. Is he just like they taught us?”
“You know, kind and soft-spoken and gentle and you can just see love in his eyes?”
“Sort of … you’ll have to meet him and form your own opinion. I didn’t really spend much time with him and he was mostly out of it, still recovering from his ordeal in Hell. He was there for two thousand years, you know.” I decided against telling Lola that I didn’t trust Jesus. And that he was a drunk and a belligerent drunk t that.
It seemed like we were balancing on the edge of something; one false move and we’d fall. I didn’t know what we’d fall into. Some of the possibilities were disturbing.
During the week when Jesus was nowhere to be found, Uncle Luke complained to me more than once about his trashed bookcases and books. It bothered me that Jesus never offered to fix them. It was impressive magic but so destructive. That got me thinking that maybe he couldn’t fix them. Maybe all his power was to destroy, not to create or fix. Then again, he could make tits bigger. But he seemed incompetent in so many ways. He was also a showoff.
I didn’t mention to anybody, not even Uncle Luke, my disturbing thought that Jesus only had the power to destroy things. I wasn’t sure I wanted anything to do with him.
I called Brandi to talk to her about Jesus and on an impulse I said, “Hey, why don’t we meet in your aunt’s orchard and do some snake stuff?”
“I’ll have to ask her,” she said. “Uncle Luke comes out here every few days or so to get together with her. Maybe he can drive you.”
“There’s something I want to talk to you about also,” I said.
I had no desire to return to Hell, but going to Hell for the purpose of transforming, and especially if going with Brandi, was not like going to Hell.
Her Aunt Mavis said okay, and a couple days later Uncle Luke drove me out there to meet her on his trip to see her aunt.
Before we transformed, we sat down in the orchard to talk.
“What did you want to talk about?” she said.
“Auntie Mavis said he’s working on getting his power back.”
“Yeah … I’m worried about him. He’s kind of a loose cannon.”
“Is he still staying with Uncle Luke?”
“No, he disappeared. We don’t know where he is.”
“Let’s get naked, Sebastian. I want to get snakey.”
She didn’t have to ask twice.
It was romantic. I was in a fog. Brandi’s presence exhil-arated me. I liked how she looked, how she smelled, how she smiled, how she frowned, how she laughed, how she felt. I liked how she slithered and slid and twined and tasted and hissed.
We were underground, in snake form, when Jesus showed up.
Just like that. We were half a mile underground in a pitch-black cavern twined around each other, partially submerged in a cold underground creek, essentially just making out the way snakes do, and here comes Jesus.
Glowing, actually glowing with some kind of pink/yellow luminescence. Jesus.
We were stunned. How did he get down here? He didn’t look dirty or rumpled—or at least not more than his normal slouchy style—and humans could not traverse the tight and shallow passageways easily.
“I hope I’m not intruding,” he said. He had a sly smile on his face.
“No, not at all,” I said in my weak, but slowly developing snake voice. “How did you know where to find us?”
“It’s all coming back, Sebastian. My omniscience. Pretty soon I’ll know everything, including what to do to save man-kind and how to do it.”
“Where were you?”
“I was studying the situation. And praying.”
“Praying? Who do you pray to?”
“I keep hoping there’s a higher authority than my father. And I pray to that higher authority, whoever he, she or it may be. Not that prayer ever did any good. In these past two thousand years, my prayers had not been answered until your Uncle Luke came along. Isn’t that ironic? The devil answered my prayers.”
“So, you’re getting your omniscience back?” Brandi said.
“Slowly, but surely,” he said, then held his hand up, finger pointing like he’d had a sudden idea, and said, “You guys look like you’re really wrapped up in each other.”
“We’re just getting to know each other,” I said.
“Hope I didn’t break anything up … Would you guys be up for a three-way?”
“You two are naked already. I could take my clothes off if you’re interested. I’m pretty buff right now. I’ve been doing sit-ups and pushups. Getting my six-pack back.”
“But we’re snakes!” I said.
“I’ve got nothing against snakes. You two are gorgeous.” He reached into his hip pocket and pulled out a small plastic pouch filled with white powder. “I got some blow here.”
I looked at Brandi to see what she thought of the idea. She was definitely gorgeous. I wasn’t really into sex with men. I was pretty damn hetero. But with Jesus? Sex with Jesus must be incredible.
I could feel Brandi’s body tensing in waves.
“Okay, okay, I know when I’m not wanted,” Jesus said.
“We didn’t say no,” I said.
“I definitely didn’t say no,” Brandi said quickly.
“But you didn’t say yes fast enough. That’s not why I came down here anyway. I told you a week ago, Sebastian, that my new plan was to send my father to Hell and get everyone else out. In order to accomplish that, we’ll have to get him into Hell first. And that’s the hard part. The only way we can do it is to confuse him. Then I’ll do to him what he did to me.”
“How do we confuse him?” I said. “He’s omniscient. He’ll know exactly what we’re trying to do.”
“You give him too much credit. Omniscience makes it hard to focus. He has too much on his plate. He can’t keep up with it all. The most important thing to do is make sure he doesn’t find out I’m out of Hell until he’s in. If he finds out I’m out, it’s all over for all of us.”
“So, what do we have to do to get him into Hell?” I said.
“I’ll reveal my full plan tomorrow. Until then you guys have to enlist the other weredevils’ help. It’ll take all of us to confuse my father sufficiently to get his guard down so I can trap him in Hell. I’ve got to find Luke and tell him what’s happening. We’ll meet at his house tomorrow at noon. Adios, amigos.”
“But Jesus,” Brandi said. “What about the three-way?”
“I’ll give you a rain check on that,” he said. “I’ve got work to do.”
Go to Chapter Twenty-one . . .