Weredevil — Chapter Sixteen

by Arnold Snyder

 

I called Brandi.

“This whole thing with Jesus is getting depressing,” I said. “Jesus is really fucked up.”

“Why don’t you come over?”

“How am I going to get there?”

“Maybe Uncle Luke will drive you.”

“He’s not my chauffer. I wish you didn’t live so far away. I really want to see you.”

“I know how we can get together. Let’s go to Hell.”

“What do you mean?”

“You transform at your house and I’ll transform at my house and we can just meet in Hell in that white room.”

“But how do we get to that room?”

“Didn’t you get a tour of Hell yet?”

“A tour? Who gave you a tour?”

“Some of the devils who live around here. My Auntie Mavis introduced me to them. I’ve had three tours already. I went once with Deco too.”

“Deco?”

“He’s so cute, don’t you think? You should have seen how cute he was in Hell.”

“Now I’m really bummed out. Nobody gave me a tour. I can’t meet you in Hell because I don’t know my way around. I’d never be able to find that white room. I’ve only gone to that room when I was physically holding onto another weredevil and we just ended up there.”

“Tell me about Jesus. What’s the big problem with him?”

“Now I’m too bummed out to even think about him. Look, I gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

I hung up on Brandi and called Brent. “We’ve got to talk,” I said. “Weird developments with Jesus.”

“Did you see him today?”

“Boy, did I. Where should we meet? I’ll tell you everything.”

“I can’t get out tonight,” he said. “We got relatives coming over later for my parents’ anniversary. Did you see Candy? Was she still in her underwear?”

“No, she was gone. But Jesus was less drunk and he explained the situation and it’s not good news.”

“What’d he say?”

I told him Jesus couldn’t do the miracles Uncle Luke wanted. And the only way to get all the humans out of Hell is to kill God, in which case there is no Hell or anything else. We all disappear.”

“How do you kill God?” Brent said.

“Jesus said he could do it. He didn’t explain the process. He just said that when God died, we would all die. Apparently, we only exist in God’s imagination.”

“So, killing God is death for everyone?”

“Everyone and everything. Omnicide.”

“So, do we want God to die or not?”

“At the moment, my life is pretty good. The best it’s ever been. In fact, Earth is wonderful for devils.”

“I agree. I’m loving it here now that I know who I am. But what if we were in Hell? And I don’t mean in Hell where all you have to do is open your eyes to get out. But eternal Hell, the way God meant it to be?”

“I don’t know for sure,” I said. “But I think killing him might be the right thing to do.”

“But Jesus was in Hell for two thousand years and he never killed him. Why not?”

“He said he never got up the nerve. Do you think he’s ready to kill him now?”

“Why don’t we go ask the gucksuckers?” Brent sug-gested.

“What do you mean? They don’t know anything.”

“They’re humans in Hell right now. I’ll bet some of them have been there for hundreds of years, maybe thousands. Let’s ask them if they would kill God if omnicide was the side effect.”

“Are you kidding? Go down there and try and talk with gucksuckers?”

“Why not?”

“What if they don’t speak English?”

“What if they do?”

I thought about this for a bit. “Should we ask Uncle Luke?”

“Let’s just do it. We know how to get in and out of Hell.”

“But if we go to Hell, we’ll transform. Where can we do it?”

“Right where we are,” he said. “You stay at your house and I’ll stay at mine. We’ll meet in Hell.”

“But when we leave Hell, we’ll be snakes.”

“So what? We’re in our own bedrooms at home. Safest place on Earth. No human’s going to find you there. Our company’s not coming for a couple hours. It shouldn’t take us longer than that.”

“But how do we meet in Hell?” I said.

“I’ll meet you at the north end of the shattered glass feeding station.”

“The what?”

“The shattered glass feeding station. Did you get the tour yet?”

“What tour? You got a tour of Hell?”

“Some of the neighbor women have taken me to Hell and showed me around in the past few days.”

“Neighbor women? How come none of my neighbors have offered to take me to Hell?”

“Maybe you’re just not a sociable guy. I went there every day in the past week. I went with Amber once and twice with Tiffany.”

“How did you get them to go to Hell with you?” I said.

“I just asked them.”

“This is really fucked. You’ve been going to Hell every day with all the girls? Why don’t we ask some of the girls to come with us right now?”

“Brandi’s the only one who knows about the gucksuckers, and going to talk with them doesn’t strike me as a very romantic date. They’re such disgusting creatures. Look, you just go to Hell and stay put when you get there. I’ll come and find you and I’ll give you a tour.”

“How are you going to find me?”

“You’ll be in one of the beginner areas. I’ll find you fast, don’t worry.”

“Okay, but I’m going to ask Brandi to come too.”

“Why?”

“I was just talking to her and she wanted to meet there, but I don’t know my way around. So if you can find me and give me a tour, then we can find Brandi too. Do you think Uncle Luke will be angry?”

“No way. This is important work we’re doing. Jesus is trying to make life and death decisions. The fate of our universe and who knows how many others are hanging on what he decides. If the gucksuckers say they would opt for death, then I’ll feel righteous about advising Jesus to kill God. Simple as that.”

“Does Jesus give a shit what your advice is?”

“Probably not.”

“And what if the gucksuckers say they wouldn’t kill God?”

“Then I don’t know what,” he said. “But if God finds out what’s going on here, then we blew our chance. Jesus will be busted along with all of us. This could be Jesus’ last chance to kill God.”

“I’ve got to undress first. And take a piss and call Brandi. I’ll be there in a couple minutes.”

“If Brandi doesn’t want to come, you better come. I’ll be waiting for you.”

“I better see you there pretty damn quick, Brent. If I don’t I’m not waiting. I’m getting out of there. I hate Hell!”

“Understood. But here’s the thing … when I find you, I may not look like me. I have no control over how I appear to you in Hell. Now, let’s do it.”

“But I went to Hell with Tiffany and Brandi before,” I said. “And we all just looked like our human selves, except naked.

“That’s what happens if you go together,” he explained. “But if we go separately and meet up, we’re all going to look different. So just don’t be freaked out.”

Go to Chapter Seventeen . . .

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