by Arnold Snyder
In fact, I spent much of the night pacing.
I was tired of being God.
I’d hardly begun being God, but I was tired of it.
Nothing about existence appealed to me.
I considered traveling, but why? I already knew exactly what I’d find anywhere I went.
Even other planets with species and biosystems unheard of on Earth had no appeal to me. I already knew everything about them.
I had the power to create anything—creatures, worlds, universes—the power but not the inclination.
I was bored.
I was frustrated.
I was in despair.
As dawn approached, I stopped pacing and sat cross-legged on the kitchen floor. I started chanting “OM,” the same way I’d done half a century previous to get out of the nut house.
I was distraught. I didn’t like being God. I was hoping this would be just another flashback that I’d awaken from soon.
But who would I be and where would I be when I woke up?
“Don, are you meditating?”
Lulu was standing in front of me. I’d seen her enter but I’d ignored her.
I stopped omming. “Why would I be meditating?” I said. “I’m God. Would God be trying to get to a higher plane of existence?”
She was in her panties. Bare feet. Looking yummy.
“But I heard you chanting.”
“That wasn’t chanting,” I said. “I was complaining.”
“I made some coffee,” she said. “Maybe it’ll jolt you out of your bad mood.”
That’s when I noticed she was holding a mug of coffee in each hand. Yes! I could smell the coffee.
“Lulu, you have great tits,” I said. “I was never a tit man but, baby, I am now.”
I got up from the floor and sat on the couch. She sat down beside me so that I could easily feast my eyes on her breasts. She set one of the mugs down on the coffee table in front of me.
“We’ve got a great start, Don. We’ve already eliminated hunger and death and war. Now we’ve got to work on happiness. Our own and everybody else’s. Here’s my plan …”
“Slow down, Lulu. Take a deep breath. Why are you the one making a plan? Are you forgetting who’s God around here?”
She seemed taken aback by the question. She looked down and just sat there for a minute looking unhappy. Finally she said with a note of sorrow, like I’d hurt her feelings, “But, Don, I’m your sidekick. I’m here to help you.”
“Lulu, you’re too damn bossy.” There. I said it.
“Okay, okay, I’ll back off. I’m just excited about this whole thing. I never imagined I’d be able to work directly with God to fix the universe. It’s like a dream come true. But I have faith in you. I really do. Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you. What’s your plan?”
“I’d like to start by spending some serious time worshiping your breasts.”
“Realistically, Don …”
“That’s as real as I can be. Your breasts are the pinnacle of my creative abilities.”
“And what do you think would be the best plan for mankind, now that war, famine, sickness and even death have been eliminated?”
I felt like I was being grilled by a hardnosed news reporter. “I’m thinking I should just kill everybody,” I said. “All the humans, and start over.”
“No! Don, don’t even talk that way!”
“Lulu, let’s be honest here. Call a spade a spade. The species has too many flaws. It’s a bad design. I should scrap it.”
“No, Don, that’s not true! You can’t just destroy the work of the God who came before you. Think how he’ll feel if you uncreate his masterwork.”
“I admit he created a marvelous universe with many fine species on more planets than you know. Here on earth, the canines are a superb species, as are the felines, and many of the mammals, rodents, birds, fish and amphibians. All are remarkably beneficial to the planet and to the universe itself. But not people. They’ve been one bad design from the start.”
She stood up and thrust out her chest, arching her back to make her tits proud and confident. “He made these,” she said. “Let’s see your great creation, Yahweh.”
“I didn’t say the new species I would create wouldn’t have tits,” I said. “In fact, I will model the tits I put on my new creations after yours. My complaint with humans is their mental instability and emotional dysfunction that leaves them forever dissatisfied.”
“So fix them.”
She relaxed her posture and her tits still looked magnificent. She sat down.
“Can I touch them?” I said.
“After you fix mankind.”
More than anything, I wanted to get my hands on her tits. I wanted to caress them and kiss them and suck on the nipples. I really wanted to get lost in those beautiful tits. She could see I was staring at them, so she squeezed her shoulders together and shimmied.
“You can have them if you fix mankind,” she said. “I’ll let you play with them all night long, and every night. You can suck on them to your heart’s content. Just don’t kill people. Fix them.”
She was oblivious to the mental agony she was putting me through, as she believed she was asking me to do something that I could actually accomplish.
“That’s the problem, Lu,” I said. “They are fixed. They were designed to be the only species that could never be satisfied. Dogs are satisfied a hundred times a day. Cats are satisfied throughout their lives. Birds and bugs and even plants are satisfied. But humans never are. That’s what makes them human. I hate to criticize the work of another god. I’m sure he was just trying his damnedest to create perfection, but creating a species that could never be satisfied was a bad idea, pure and simple. I’d like to ditch the humans and live with the dogs and cats. They’re better company, more honest about their feelings, less treacherous.”
“Don, when’s our wedding?”
“Wow, that’s what I call changing the subject.”
“But you’re in such a bad mood. I’m trying to talk about something pleasant.”
“Do you want to get married before or after I uncreate mankind?” I said, not allowing her to change the topic so easily.
“But we’re going to Vegas to get married, aren’t we? Vegas would be no fun without people. We were going to get Elvis, remember? So you have to hold off on uncreating humans at least until after our honeymoon.”
“But Vegas isn’t the same anymore, Lu. There are no casinos. All those big hotels are closed. Boarded up. We could still have Elvis. But if you want Vegas, I’ll have to arrange a fake Vegas that’ll look like Vegas used to look, with crowds of tourists and showrooms and strip clubs and buffets.”
“Yes! Buffets! I’ve heard so much about them! Vegas has the best buffets!”
“Lulu, because your tits are so beautiful, I’m going to get Vegas back for you. The thing is … I’ll have to put fake people in the casinos. I’ll make them look real and act real—just like Vegas used to be. I want our wedding day to be special. Whatever you desire. I want everything to be perfect, but the people won’t be real. I’ll uncreate mankind, but create a perfect replica of what Vegas people used to be like. You won’t even know the difference.”
“But I don’t want fake people. I want real people.”
“Lu, the town is dead. It’s not a ghost town—technically—but everyone in Vegas is just a bum, like everywhere else. No one works anymore because they don’t have to. Casinos need dealers and bosses and waitresses and cooks and bartenders and custodians and hotel room maids. There are no real people who will do those jobs.”
“Oh, Don, that’s so depressing … Can’t you do something to make Vegas the way it used to be—with real people?”
“For chrissake, Lulu, I’m God. I can do anything. But geez why do I have to solve every fucking problem on the planet? But because you’ve got such fantastic tits, I’ll turn the whole Vegas population into money culters and I’ll start advertising casino jobs that pay tremendous wages. I’ll get a couple of my henchmen down there right away to start taking employment applications.”
“You have henchmen?”
“How many times do I have to tell you? I have whatever the fuck I want! I’ll create an event in Vegas that’ll get all the money cult crazies to go there. A big money giveaway. Mind you, there are no normal transportation options. Planes don’t fly anymore. The sheer size of the expanding earth has made air travel an impossibility.”
“Don, if people can’t get there, no one will be there.””
“Which is why I just created a new mode of transportation. And I’ve rigged all the games so the players can’t lose, and when they discover how profitable the games are, they won’t be able to leave. I’ll call it the Grand Reopening of Las Vegas. That’ll get some media coverage. We’ll have the best wedding there ever was. Elvis will sing. The Beatles will play for the reception. And Jesus Christ himself will officiate at the ceremony. Then, after we leave for our honeymoon in Kauai, I’ll uncreate all of them and start this planet over with a new species to replace humans.”
“But we’ll need staff for our hotel in Kauai. Are we going to be the only two humans left?”
“Hmmm … that’s what I was planning … but I’ll make sure Kauai is sufficiently staffed. And if there’s another person you’d like to spare, or a few special people, just give me their names and I’ll do what I can.”
“I was thinking maybe my grandkids?”
“You have grandkids?”
“Don, you know that. You know everything, remember?”
“I don’t like to think about it,” I said. “But consider it done. Your grandkids and some hotel room staff in Kauai. In fact, now that I think of it, I’ll spare a few people of my own choosing—starting with King Solomon’s harem.”
“Yes, he’s back in Jerusalem now with all seven hundred of his wives and his three hundred concubines. I’ll get rid of Solomon but keep the babes.”
“Don, how could you?”
“Believe me, nobody’s going to miss Solomon,” I said, deliberately pretending not to understand her concern, “least of all, his harem. The guy’s a creep.”
“But we’re going to be married! I don’t want you to have a harem!”
“Damn it, Lu, I’m God, so I make the rules. Believe me I’ll always think of you as wife number one. You’re my sidekick. Don’t think twice about those harem girls. After I uncreate the masses of humanity, I’m going to use Solomon’s harem to repopulate the planet. I’ll change my DNA to get rid of the gene that makes humans dissatisfied all the time, and maybe make a few other tweaks, and I’ll make a really great race of people that’ll be strong and healthy and happy—”
“No! I don’t want you fucking all the girls in King Solomon’s harem!’’
“C’mon, Lulu, don’t take it personally. Someone has to start repopulating the planet, and this time I’m going to make sure I control the growth. The god before me was incompetent. He made too many mistakes. I’m going to do it right. And you’re going to help me every step of the way. In fact, I’m going to put you in charge of the harem girls.”
“But I don’t want to be in charge of a harem! I want to be your one and only love. Please Don, can’t you think of some other way to repopulate the planet?”
“Of course I can think of uncountable ways to repopulate the planet. But as God, I’d like to make the task as enjoyable and satisfying as possible. Let me explain something about being God. When you can do anything you want and suffer no consequences, things that might normally seem risky no longer are risky. And things you might normally be embarrassed to do, or even ashamed to admit you might want to try, no longer seem embarrassing or shameful. The only real risk I’m taking is in believing any of this is real. If it’s not real I might get locked up or severely injured. But more and more, I’m accepting this as my new reality. And I feel an obligation to fix this mess of a universe.”
“But the thought of you with all those young girls makes me ill. I know what a stud you are. They’re all going to fall in love with you just like I did, especially when you show them what you can do. The thought of you doing maraschino cherries—”
“Lulu, Lulu, Lulu, don’t even think about things like that. You’re the only girl I’ll ever do maraschino cherries with. I promise. That’s our special thing.”
I put my hand on her forehead and she immediately slumped back onto the sofa pillows and fell into a deep sleep. I needed a break from her constant arguing.
She was just wearing her panties, the silky pink bikini undies that I liked so much. She didn’t know how much I liked them because I’d never told her. I wondered if she’d mind if I pulled them down so I could look at her pussy. Her vulva was perfectly outlined by the shiny stretched fabric. I knew it would embarrass me if she woke up when I had her panties down, but how could she possibly wake up? I was God. I could keep her unconscious for any length of time. I gazed upon her pink-pantied beauty for a long time, and ultimately decided against sliding her panties down. I wanted her to be awake and aware the first time I did it, and I did not want her to be awake and aware right now.
I was getting better at this God business, realizing what it meant to have complete control over nature.
I didn’t have to listen to Lulu’s bellyaching. I could turn her consciousness on and off at will. But I needed some guidance. I had to find someone who understood the God trip on a more personal level, someone with experience …
Go to Chapter Thirteen