by Arnold Snyder
My car was parked on the street in front of Dave’s where I’d left it. How the fuck did I get home last night?
I opened the door and climbed into the front seat. I started the engine, then turned it off. Jesus Christ. The car smelled like patchouli oil. Impossible. There could not possibly have been a Lulu.
I got out of the car and went in to Dave’s and got in line behind a girl with the cutest ass I’d ever seen. She was wearing a yellow tank top and flower-patterned jogging shorts, way too tight, just hugging her rounded buns. I don’t know how long I stood there staring at her ass, but I suddenly got the feeling people were watching me stare at her ass.
I looked up to see that Flash was sitting at my table in the corner. Waiting for me. I went over and sat down. My bottomless cup of espresso was also waiting. I drained it.
I glanced briefly at Flash, then looked at the girl with the fine ass who was now at the front counter placing her order. My dick was stirring, like there was life inside it after all these years.
“Okay, Flash, explain this to me,” I said. Damn it! I was starting to see patterns again, everywhere I looked.
“What’s to explain? You’re the Messiah, and I’m here to help you perform your duty to the world. You have to save mankind.”
I held up my hand to stop him from saying the stupid things he was saying, and asked him point blank: “How did my car get here last night? I drove it to Lulu’s and when I came out it was gone.”
“I drove it here,” he said, looking out the window.
“I see … You’re telling me that my hallucination drove my car here last night?”
“I needed to talk to you. I couldn’t very well do that while you were trying to get into some girl’s pants. I knew you’d come back here.”
“I was not trying to get into her pants. I don’t even have a functioning dick. And how was I supposed to get back here without my car?”
“Don, you’re the Messiah. You could have ten functioning dicks if you wanted. You can fly. You can instantly transport yourself. You got here, didn’t you? You’re the one that decided to take a bus. Try and get it through your skull that you are omnipotent.”
The girl with the flowered shorts sat down at the table directly in front of me. I was sitting sideways in my chair so I didn’t have to face Flash, and now a vision of sheer, nubile, athletic beauty arranges itself in front of me.
“Nice,” Flash said.
I looked at him quizzically.
“I like your taste,” he said. “Go ahead and pretend you’re not providing the scenery.”
She had some kind of ice cream concoction in a tall glass she was sipping on through a straw as she stared at her phone intently. Then she put her phone down on the table and stretched both arms up over her head, her arms fully extended, hands locked, arching her back. She wasn’t wearing a bra and even though her tank top was ribbed, the stretchy fabric outlined her nipples.
“Nice,” Flash said.
He was pissing me off. I turned to face him. He had an irritating grin on his mug. “You’re not even real,” I said.
“Hey, I’m just enjoying the show.”
I downed another espresso. Goddamn, it was good.
“How did I get home last night?” I said.
“You put yourself there. Simple as that. You can be anywhere you want in a snap. You’re not bound by the laws of physics. How do you think you got to that beach in Kauai with Lulu last night?”
“That was Kauai?”
“Look, Don, you’ve got to start taking this seriously. You know that was Kauai. You’re omniscient. Hundreds of millions of people are suffering. You’re the only one who can save mankind. You’re the only one with the power. You have to start by taking Lulu under your wing so she can help you do your duty.”
“Lulu? Lulu doesn’t exist anymore than you do. She’s just like you—another one of my goddamn hallucinations.”
“No, Don. Lulu’s your sidekick.”
“My sidekick? Why would the Messiah need a sidekick?”
“Because being God is a complicated job. And I know for a fact that it’s particularly complicated for you. Besides, you’re a leg man and she’s got gams that won’t quit. Wait till you fuck her. Then you’ll know why she was destined to be your sidekick. From the time you were born you were destined to be the Messiah, and Lulu was destined to be your sidekick.”
“Flash, you’re starting to piss me off.”
I turned away from him and found myself looking at a goddess in jogging shorts and pink lowcut sneakers. She was standing now and was doing more stretching, slowly bending way over to one side then the other. She was using the coffee shop floor as her personal gym. Totally absorbed and seemingly oblivious to all who were watching her. Each time she reached her full stretch, her tank top lifted on her midsection to expose her navel. It was an aesthetically perfect navel, deep and round and dark inside, so beautifully positioned on the curve of her belly. I wanted to put my tongue, just the tip of it, into her navel.
“Extra nice,” Flash said.
I turned to face him once more.
“You’re really a fucking asshole, Flash.”
“You’re rubber and I’m glue.”
“Let me spell it out, Don. It’s your turn to be God. In a way, that’s a very special job to have. Then again, it’s not all that special because everyone gets a turn. Now it’s your turn. We’re all glue. You’re the only rubber.”
“That makes no sense whatsoever. And I don’t want the job.”
“Here are the rules …”
“Rules? The Messiah has to follow rules?”
“Rule number one … you make the rules.”
“Please, Flash, I’m begging you. Just go away and let me have a normal life. I’ve already gone this many years. Let me finish it out. I don’t want to die in a looney bin.”
“I know you’ll make a fine Creator, Don.”
“But I didn’t create a damn thing! I’m not responsible for this mess.”
“You are now. Until such time as you pick a successor, you’re the head honcho. Do with this world, this universe, this existence, whatever you want. You’re the boss.”
I turned away from Flash and found myself once more gazing at the goddess jogger, now doing slow motion toe touches. Everyone in the order line stood looking at her. They had the best view, the rear view. I was tempted to get into the line. I could order a piece of pie. Cherry pie. My dick jumped. I turned to look at Flash.
“I get to pick a successor?” I said.
“When you’re tired of the job, you pick the next Messiah.”
“Who was the last guy in the job? The guy who picked me … who was he? He sure fucked up if he thinks this is a good world. I’d like to kick that sonofabitch’s ass.”
“You haven’t exactly made a good start yourself. You’ve already made a couple of bad mistakes. Those two cops you uncreated. Big mistake. Their families are agonizing over them. I know that wasn’t your intention. So do something about it. You fucked up. And pay attention to what you’re doing next time. Consider the consequences.”
“Flash, I don’t want to be this crazy.”
He stood. “So long, Don. We’ll meet again.”
“Don’t come back, okay?”
He walked out the door.
I sipped the coffee. Nibbled on the cookie. Flash was gone. That was good. Now if he’d just stay gone, I could get back to my normal life …
I turned to see the jogger had turned her back and was now doing her toe touching routine with her back to me. Yes!
Go to Chapter Seven