by Arnold Snyder
Lulu lifted her glass and said, “To the new world, the new universe, the new everything.”
I lifted my glass and said, “The new everything,” but the tone of my voice was flatter than hers.
“You don’t sound very enthusiastic,” she said.
The sidewalk tables had all been taken, so we were sitting inside the restaurant drinking wine and nibbling on fresh-baked bread. It was a small, dimly-lit, Italian restaurant, empty of customers except for us.
“Here’s the problem, Lu: I don’t like this whole set-up. I didn’t create this mess; I inherited it from the God before me.”
“What God before you?”
“I wasn’t always God. Yesterday was my first day of being God. Here’s how it works: Everybody gets a turn at being God. You’ll get your turn at some point. This is my turn. I’ll get to pick the next God. That is, when I get tired of it all. But I’ve hardly been God for twenty-four hours and I’m already sick of it. And it’s people I’m sick of. I feel like starting from scratch with a new species.”
I ripped off a chunk of bread and started gnawing on it.
“But we can change the whole world, Don. And you should dip your bread in the olive oil.” She pushed a small ceramic bread-dipping dish across the table toward me. “Olive oil is good for you,” she said.
“So is everything else.”
“Don, you have to take this seriously. This is our opportunity to make a real difference in people’s lives. Let’s start with world hunger. I think it’s important that we fix the worst things first. Then we can have crazy sex.”
“What kind of crazy sex?” I said. I’d been looking at her with lust in my eyes, but she was starting to annoy me.
“Are you kidding? Don’t you have any imagination at all? I could be twenty with big tits and you could be … now I’m embarrassed to tell you.” She was using a piece of bread to sop up half the olive oil in the bowl. Right before she stuffed it into her mouth, she said, “I want to share my fantasies with you but we’ve only kissed once and we’ve never taken our clothes off. Maybe we should go slowly. You could make me thirty with medium-size tits …”
“Yes, let’s go slowly. Let’s just enjoy the wine and loosen up a bit and see if we’re compatible. You might not even like me when you get to know me.”
“No way. I like you. That’s a given. But we can get to the sex later. First, world hunger. What can you do to eliminate it?”
“I can do whatever I want,” I said.
“We could go online and google famine,” she said. “And start by fixing the worst places first …”
“Why do things the hard way?” I said. “I can just end it everywhere. Period. Done. I just ended it.”
She stopped chewing a mouthful of bread and just looked at me. Then she said, with her mouth full, “Really?”
“What’s the next big problem to solve?”
“How did you end it?”
“I just changed human biology so that people will never feel pangs of hunger.”
“But will they still die of starvation?”
“Sure, if they don’t eat,” I said.
“Then you didn’t really solve the problem. All you did was put a band-aid on it.”
“Okay, I just changed human biology again so that people can’t die from starvation. Humans now get all their nutritional needs from breathing the air. Done. No one will ever have to eat again.”
“Really,” I said. “Do you feel hungry?”
“No. But if no one ever gets hungry anymore, and no one even needs to eat, what will happen to all the restaurants? Besides, I like eating. I was looking forward to us having a nice romantic dinner. Now I don’t even care about it anymore. And what happens to all the farmers and ranchers and truckers and grocery stores?”
“This is why I need you, Lu. These details are important. So now humans can still enjoy eating and food will taste good, but they don’t have to eat. Eating is now more like masturbation. We’ll just be pleasuring ourselves for the enjoyment of it. Done. Human biology is a piece of cake.”
“Yeah … I like that. That romantic dinner sounds good again. But what can we do about death?”
“What about it?”
“People don’t like dying.”
“No problem. I’ll just make it so no one will ever die again.”
“Can you do that?”
“I just did it. Biology is simple when you make the rules.”
“But half-a-million people are born every day. If no one’s dying, the planet will get so overpopulated so fast …”
“No problem. I’ll continually expand the size of the planet to accommodate the expanding population. I’ll build a couple new continents right off the bat. This’ll make life more exciting for people, to have new lands to discover and explore. I’ll enrich the scenery with unusual fauna and flora. Animals and plants no one has ever seen before. People are gonna love it.”
“Humans will be starting wars pretty soon, over boundaries and ownership rights.”
“Okay, I’ll solve that problem right now. I’ve just turned all the guns on the planet into ham sandwiches.”
“Why ham sandwiches?”
“Because they can’t hurt anyone and it was the first thing I thought of. And all explosives are now whipped cream. Done.”
“What about chemical weapons?”
“I can uncreate all of the current stockpiles and destroy all the labs where they’re being made. Done.”
“What about biological weapons?”
“I’ll turn them into Kool-Aid. Done.”
“But people are humans, Don. They’ll still start wars.”
“But they don’t have any guns or bombs. What kind of wars can they wage? Are they gonna have knife fights? Okay, I just solved that. Human skin can no longer be pierced.”
“But a lot of people are into piercings.”
I reached my hand under the table and found her knee., then slid my fingers up over the ruffled top of her stocking till I found her creamy white thigh.
“But what about disease?” she said. “Millions of people are suffering with incurable illnesses.”
“There won’t be any more disease or sickness. Everyone will be healthy all the time. Plus all wounds and injuries will heal quickly. Even dismembered limbs will regenerate. No one ever dies. Everyone’s always healthy. Done.”
She opened her legs, giving me access to her pussy. I found the edge of her panties and slid my index finger under the elastic leg band. Her mons pubis was silky smooth like her thighs. She winced slightly when my fingertip got too close to her clitoris and I stopped.
She looked at me with sex in her eyes and said, “What about all the people who have already died?”
“What about them?”
“People are sad because they’ve lost their loved ones. Husbands have lost wives. Mothers have lost children. Now they’re all going to live forever without the people they loved the most.”
“Okay, I’ll bring back all the dead people.”
“All of them? Since the dawn of man?”
“Sure. Why not?” And as I said this, I remembered what had happened to me the last time I raised the dead, in that old Mission Delores cemetery in San Francisco. When they captured me, I was dancing with dead people.
But this time, no one knew I was raising the dead except Lulu, and she’s not going to turn me in. She’s part of the hallucination. I started tickling the skin around her clit, just lightly touching it.
“What about Jack the Ripper?” she said, her voice almost catching in her throat. “Hitler? Stalin? Charles Manson?”
“Okay, I’ll knock off the psychopaths,” I said.
“But that wouldn’t be fair. They had horrible childhoods. It’s not their fault.”
“Okay, I’ll fix all the psychopaths brain chemistry. If they even think about hurting anybody they’ll have an uncontrollable urge to sit down and meditate. Done.”
I found her moist slit with my finger and lightly stroked down the length of it as far down as I could go before bumping into the seat of her chair. She adjusted her ass to give me deeper access. I slid my finger into her pussy.
“But what about all the people in prisons and jails?” she said. “Are they going to spend eternity locked up?”
“All the prison doors are gone. Just gone. The prisoners are free to go. The only weapons the guards have to stop them are ham sandwiches. Done.”
She was starting to breathe heavily and erratically. “Are you going to bring back whole families?” she said. “Whole civilizations that haven’t been on the planet for hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of years, who know nothing of the modern world?”
“Sure, I already did.”
“But how will they cope with our world, our technology?”
“They’ll figure it out,” I said. “I’m providing everyone with nice housing. Food. Clothing. Shelter. Whatever they want. Done.”
“But think of how much the population will increase the size of the planet. All the people who ever lived—that’ll be like a hundred billion more people on earth!”
“Population size is of no concern. The planet will accommodate. I’ll build a few more mega-continents as necessary—with weather and land conditions similar to how it was when these people were initially on earth. They’ll love it. There. I’ve done it. I’ve tweaked our solar system, increased the size of our sun. It’s all good.”
I pulled my hand out from beneath the table. My index finger was glistening with her lubricant. I put it in front of my face and inhaled her essence. Then I licked it clean.
“Now let’s order some pasta,” I said. “I’m starving.”
Go to Chapter Ten