Only Apathy Can Solve Our Nation’s Problems
Once again, I find myself running for president of this country on the Apathy ticket. And, according to Apathy Party bylaws, any eligible voter who does not vote will count as a vote for me.
Needless to say, the polls show me winning by a landslide. But first, let’s look at the issues.
On the Economy:
Obama: My forward-thinking programs will turn this country around!
Romney: No they won’t! Mine will!
Snyder: Like I give a shit.
Obama: I’ll create 100 million jobs in the next four years!
Romney: Whatever he says, I’ll do twice as much!
Snyder: Work? Me? Not in this lifetime.
Obama: I’ll bring our troops home with honor and victory!
Romney: For any of our troops who are millionaires, I’ll bring them home to lower taxes!
Snyder: This bong water is rank.
Surveys show that approximately 56% of eligible voters in the U.S. cast their ballots in presidential elections. Assuming the turnout this year is typical, that means the Apathy Party will garner about 44% of the vote. With Obama and Romney splitting the 56%, or roughly 28% each, it looks like I’m a shoe-in.
I’m not going to bother giving an acceptance speech on election night, as I know that none of my constituents care enough to watch it anyway. The media, of course, will pretend that one of the two losers—whichever one comes in second—is the actual winner. But we’ll know the truth. And you should all be happy to know that regardless of the losers’ pretensions, my platform will succeed in doing what it’s always done. Not a damn thing of any significance will change in this country. The rich will stay rich. The poor will stay poor. And four years from now, you can all not vote me into office again. God bless America.