I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter: Carlton Mellick III vs. Thomas Aquinas

Those of you not deeply indoctrinated into the Roman Catholic faith (and by “deeply indoctrinated” I mean you studied for the priesthood, or at least took graduate- level theology courses) probably know little about “succubi.” Even many devout Catholics are unaware of these demons, as the Summa Theologica is not studied in catechism classes for the laity. But it’s okay. That’s why I’m here. I spent a critical formative year of my adolescence in the Holy Ghost Fathers Seminary in Ann Arbor, Michigan, so let me clue you in.

The Summa Theologica is a book written by Saint Thomas Aquinas from 1265 to 1274 that is still considered by the Catholic magisterium the most important compendium of theological teachings of the one and only true Church. Wikipedia says “it presents the reasoning for almost all points of Christian theology in the West.”

One of the areas Saint Thomas gave a considerable amount of theological thought to in this work was the question of why a good Christian man would have wet dreams. It turns out that from the time of Jesus until the 13th century when Saint Thomas penned his tome, wet dreams were nagging at the meditations of virtually every great Christian thinker. You see, wet dreams just don’t fit the Church’s idea of the devout practitioner’s path to the Lord. Night after night, for more than a millennium, good Christian men had been suffering horrendous pangs of guilt and horror over spilling their seed in violation of God’s law.

Along comes Saint Thomas. According to him, the devil made you do it. Thomas explained that succubi, which were demons sent from Hell in the form of hot babes, literally seduced men while they slept in order to steal their souls.

And that’s not all. According to Saint Thomas, a succubus could also transform itself into an “incubus”—a male hunk version of the demon—with the purpose of seducing sleeping females and impregnating them with demon seed. Needless to say, distressed women of the Dark and Middle Ages who found themselves pregnant out of wedlock took to blaming incubi for their unfortunate condition. Of course, this meant said offspring were devil spawn, which created a lucrative business for priest-exorcists of the time.

Carlton Mellick III, in I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter, takes one of his trademark hapless 20-something male slacker heroes (in this case a dude who spends all his waking hours playing with Legos) and lands him in the middle of this Thomas Aquinas-inspired nightmare. Jonathan, said dude, is a 24-year-old virgin whose own family thinks—understandably—that he’s a good-for-nothing bum. (But what’s a 24-year-old supposed to do in this crappy economy?) In addition, Jonathan can’t relate to most people. His only friend is a 500-pound Japanese sumo wrestler who’s a hopeless alcoholic.

One morning, Jonathan wakes up to discover that during the night his penis turned black. Nine months later, a red-skinned, forked-tongued, barbed-tailed girl with glowing eyes and devil’s horns shows up at his front door. She informs Jonathan that she’s pregnant with his child and, like any girl in trouble, she wants him to marry her.

When Jonathan insists that he never had sex with her, she explains to him that she’s a succubus, and that she had a one-nighter with him in a dream, while he slept (the black penis mystery solved!). She further informs him that her father (Satan!) will be very upset if Jonathan doesn’t marry her.

Before you know it, he’s having dinner in Hell with his new fiancée’s gracious family, who are prepared to welcome him into their home and their lives. But when Jonathan takes his blood-red bride-to-be to meet his family—including his brother Chuck and his fundamentalist preacher brother-in-law, Joseph—trouble ensues.

“She’s bewitched you,” Joseph says. “You can’t trust an agent of Satan. She has to die.”

“Yeah,” Chuck says. “Kill the evil bitch.”

“She’s pregnant, you fucking assholes,” Jonathan says.

I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter is Mellick at his sacrilegious best. The story follows a Hollywood romantic comedy format, but with a surreal dogleg to every hilarious scene. No other author writing today is better suited to deflating the entire monstrous Catholic construct, and there is no theologian more deserving of skewering than good ol’ Thomas Aquinas.

Saint Thomas Aquinas was one of the most mentally-warped fanatics ever produced by the Holy Mother Church. He is the nutcase arguably most responsible for the estimated nine million victims of murder by the Church since the 13th Century—most of them women, many burned at the stake, often following gruesome torture, for cavorting with the devil. Because of Saint Thomas Aquinas, ordained priests to this day are required to be fluent in the rite of exorcism, and they’re still taught that succubi and incubi are real (though women today presumably find less need for such lame pregnancy excuses).

In I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter, as in all of his stories, Mellick uses humor to expose the plight of the 21st century human, who’s simply trying to survive in a world of drastically reduced resources and opportunities, while getting bonked on the head at every turn by virtually unlimited archaic mental and cultural sledgehammers.

See Bizarro Fiction 101: The Underground Rises Again for reviews of Mellick’s Satan Burger and The Haunted Vagina.

 

 

 

 

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